ABOUT THE WRITER
>
> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
> the Miami
> Herald.
>
> Colonoscopy Journal:
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
> make an
> appointment for a colonoscopy.
>
> A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color
> diagram of the
> colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
> place, at one
> point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
>
> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
> thorough,
> reassuring and patient manner.
>
> I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear
> anything he said,
> because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO
> STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET
> UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some
> written instructions,
> and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
> which comes in a box
> large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
> MoviPrep in detail
> later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow
> it to fall
> into the hands of America 's enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around
> being nervous.
>
> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
> preparation. In
> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
> food that day;
> all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only
> with less
> flavor.
>
> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
> packets of powder
> together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
> lukewarm
> water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a
> liter is about 32
> gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
> about an
> hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -
> like a
> mixture ofgoat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint
> of lemon.
>
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
> with a
> great
> sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a
> loose, watery bowel
> movement may result.'
>
> This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your
> roof, you may
> experience contact with the ground.
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
> graphic, here,
> but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is
> pretty much the
> MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
> times when you
> wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
> pretty much
> confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
> everything.
> And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
> have to drink
> another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can
> tell, your
> bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food
> that you have
> not even eaten yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
>
> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was
> very nervous. Not
> only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
> experiencing
> occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was
> thinking, 'What if I
> spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for
> something like
> that? Flowers would not be enough.
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
> understood
> and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said..
> Then they led
> me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went
> inside a
> little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on
> one of those
> hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
> that, when you
> put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are
> actually
> naked..
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
> my left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good,
> and I was
> already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put
> vodka in
> their
> MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
> thought of this,
> but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
> too tipsy to
> make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in
> full Fire Hose
> Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
> procedure room,
> where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
> anesthesiologist. I did not
> see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden
> around there
> somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
>
> Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
> anesthesiologist began
> hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
>
> There was music playing in the room, and I realized that
> the song was
> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
> of all the songs that
> could be playing during this particular procedure,
> 'Dancing Queen' had
> to be the least appropriate.
>
> 'You want me to turn it
> up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
>
> 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I
> had been dreading
> for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
> yourself, because
> I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
> was like.
>
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,
> ABBA was yelling
> 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,'
> and the next moment, I
> was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow
> mood.
>
> Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I
> felt excellent.
> I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was
> all over, and
> that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never
> been prouder
> of an internal organ.
>
>
> On the subject of Colonoscopies...
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
> exam were quite
> humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are
> actual comments
> made by his patients
> (predominately male) while he was performing their
> colonoscopies:
>
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no
> man has gone
> before!'
>
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
>
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there
> yet?'
>
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally
> married.'
>
> 6. 'Any sign of
> the trapped miners, Chief?'
>
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
> out....'
>
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
>
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
>
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
>
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't
> you?'
>
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
>
> And the best one of all:
> 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my
> head is not up
> there?'
>
>
> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
> the Miami
> Herald.
>
> Colonoscopy Journal:
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
> make an
> appointment for a colonoscopy.
>
> A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color
> diagram of the
> colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
> place, at one
> point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
>
> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
> thorough,
> reassuring and patient manner.
>
> I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear
> anything he said,
> because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO
> STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET
> UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some
> written instructions,
> and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
> which comes in a box
> large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
> MoviPrep in detail
> later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow
> it to fall
> into the hands of America 's enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around
> being nervous.
>
> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
> preparation. In
> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
> food that day;
> all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only
> with less
> flavor.
>
> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
> packets of powder
> together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
> lukewarm
> water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a
> liter is about 32
> gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
> about an
> hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -
> like a
> mixture ofgoat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint
> of lemon.
>
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
> with a
> great
> sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a
> loose, watery bowel
> movement may result.'
>
> This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your
> roof, you may
> experience contact with the ground.
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
> graphic, here,
> but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is
> pretty much the
> MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
> times when you
> wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
> pretty much
> confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
> everything.
> And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
> have to drink
> another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can
> tell, your
> bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food
> that you have
> not even eaten yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
>
> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was
> very nervous. Not
> only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
> experiencing
> occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was
> thinking, 'What if I
> spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for
> something like
> that? Flowers would not be enough.
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
> understood
> and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said..
> Then they led
> me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went
> inside a
> little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on
> one of those
> hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
> that, when you
> put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are
> actually
> naked..
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
> my left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good,
> and I was
> already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put
> vodka in
> their
> MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
> thought of this,
> but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
> too tipsy to
> make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in
> full Fire Hose
> Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
> procedure room,
> where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
> anesthesiologist. I did not
> see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden
> around there
> somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
>
> Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
> anesthesiologist began
> hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
>
> There was music playing in the room, and I realized that
> the song was
> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
> of all the songs that
> could be playing during this particular procedure,
> 'Dancing Queen' had
> to be the least appropriate.
>
> 'You want me to turn it
> up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
>
> 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I
> had been dreading
> for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
> yourself, because
> I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
> was like.
>
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,
> ABBA was yelling
> 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,'
> and the next moment, I
> was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow
> mood.
>
> Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I
> felt excellent.
> I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was
> all over, and
> that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never
> been prouder
> of an internal organ.
>
>
> On the subject of Colonoscopies...
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
> exam were quite
> humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are
> actual comments
> made by his patients
> (predominately male) while he was performing their
> colonoscopies:
>
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no
> man has gone
> before!'
>
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
>
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there
> yet?'
>
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally
> married.'
>
> 6. 'Any sign of
> the trapped miners, Chief?'
>
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
> out....'
>
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
>
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
>
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
>
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't
> you?'
>
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
>
> And the best one of all:
> 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my
> head is not up
> there?'
>
