0 to 200 in six seconds!


SteveA

SteveA

GT Owner/B.O.D
Mark IV Lifetime
Dec 13, 2005
3,700
Sandpoint Id
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
I'm reaching out, as a friend of mine needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he tossed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?
 
*The Old Flame*

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to
enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older
and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really
have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few
inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she
was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f..k off.
 
Who's hungry?

625529_4401152228208_1270981665_n.jpg


"I'll have the ass impurity."
 
You think small DBK, go for the combo platter.
 
lol
 
Fenzo, I've had that one sent to me a few different times and I still LOL!
 
"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a hundred dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled hundred dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 80,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
 
SteveA said:
"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a hundred dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled hundred dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 80,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
Click to expand...
Thank God, it wasn't the GT!!!!
 
DBK, please, no more Duck guys. Is this what you do when you babysit? Do you really want your children growing up watching this?
 
Those duck guys shot one of their early videos at a friend of mines place down in Arkansas. I hunt with one of their associates when I go. Great callers and better shots.

Steve
 
fjpikul said:
DBK, please, no more Duck guys. Is this what you do when you babysit? Do you really want your children growing up watching this?
Click to expand...

You got a problem with my bearded brothers Frank?

Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help. He shouts at the emergency operator, "I think my friend is dead! What do I do!?"

"Calm down", the operator says in a soothing voice, "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."

The phone goes silent for a second, then the operator hears a gunshot; "Ok", says the hunter, "now what?"
 
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
:lol
 
lmfao

that one is great.

33Bravo said:
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Click to expand...
 
An old couple is in the bathroom and the wife starts complaining. My hair is soooo grey, my face al wrinckled, my boops hanging on my belly, ... She looks at her husband with a begging face to says something positive
After some moments of silence the husband feels he needs to say something the chear her up

The husband replies : at least your eyes are still fine
 
During my last physical examination, my doctor asked me about my
physical activity level.

I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 4 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I
waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair. Avoided standing on a snake, climbed several rocky hills. I took a few leaks behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an
outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer!
 
Ed and his wife Norma would go to the state fair every year,

And every year Ed would say, " Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Norma always replied, " I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,

" Norma, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Norma replied,

" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.

If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Norma fell out,

But you know...

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
 
:lol
 
Johnny was in Sunday school when the teacher asked the students to tell her which part of the body they thought entered Heaven first. Susie raised her hand and said she thought it was the hands since the Lord would gently pull you into Heaven.

Johnny raised his hand and said he thought the feet went into Heaven first.
"Your feet?" asked the teacher.
"Yes, your feet" replied Johnny. "One night I got up to go to the bathroom and as I passed my parents' room I saw my mom on her back with her legs in the air yelling 'God, I'm coming!'
"I think we would have lost her if dad didn't pin her down."
 
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