Gotta love Dave Barry...gets right to the heart of it!
Dave Barry, Miami Herald, 01/27/2008
On Tuesday, millions of Florida voters will head for the polls. Being
Floridians, many of them will become confused and drive into buildings,
canals, cemeteries, other Floridians, etc. But some will actually make it
to the polls, where they will cast ballots that will play a crucial role
in the presidential election. Or, in the case of Democrats, not.
It turns out that the 2008 Florida Democratic primary doesn't count.
Florida will be sending the same number of delegates to the 2008
Democratic convention as Uzbekistan.
This may seem unfair, but there's a simple, logical explanation: The whole
primary system is insane. Consider the process so far:
First Iowa held "caucuses," in which Iowans gathered in small groups at
night and engaged in some mysterious Iowan ritual that for all we know
involves having intimate relations with corn. Right after that Wyoming had
a primary, but it was only for Republicans, because Wyoming Democrats
(apparently there are at least two) will hold their primary March 8. Most
of the candidates ignored Wyoming and focused on the New Hampshire
primary, except Rudy Giuliani, who's following a shrewd strategy,
originally developed by the Miami Dolphins, of not entering the race until
he has been mathematically eliminated. After New Hampshire came Michigan,
where the ballot listed all the Republicans, but only certain Democrats,
including Chris Dodd, who had already dropped out if the race, but NOT
including Barack Obama or John Edwards.
After Michigan came the Nevada caucuses, in which Hillary Clinton got more
votes, but Obama got more delegates. (If you don't understand how that
could happen, then you have never been to a casino.) Then came the South
Carolina Republican primary, which of course was not held on the same day
as the South Carolina Democratic primary. Then comes Florida, in which
Republican voters will elect some delegates, although the total will only
be half the number Florida was originally supposed to get.
Meanwhile, Florida Democrats, as I mentioned, will have the same impact on
their party's nomination as if they fed their ballots to ducks.
I am not making any of this up: This is our actual primary system, except
(I hope) the part about the corn. We're selecting candidates for the most
important job in the world via a process that's less rational than the one
used to choose Miss Kumquat of Pasco County.
How did we end up with this ridiculous system? We got it through endless
petty squabbling, in both parties, over the issue of which states get to
go first. That's right:
When confronted with what should be a minor procedural problem, the
leaders of our major political parties can't even work intelligently with
THEIR OWN ALLIES let alone their opponents. This is why, no matter who
wins in November, I am optimistic about the future of the nation. (I'm
referring to Uzbekistan.)
Anyway, for those of you who plan to vote Tuesday, here's a quick overview
of the political situation:
THE REPUBLICAN RACE: It's still wide open. Mitt "Mitt" Romney holds a
slight edge in delegates, plus a heifer he got for winning Wyoming. Right
behind him are John McCain, Chuck Norris and the late Ronald Reagan.
Bringing up the rear is Rudy, who needs a win and has been frantically
courting Florida voters. He's mowing their lawns right now.
THE DEMOCRATIC RACE: It's down to Obama vs. Clinton, and it's getting
nasty. They hate each other, with the kind of passionate hatred that you
see only between two people who hold essentially the same positions on
everything. Edwards is still running, but at this point they don't even
bother to put a microphone on him for the debates. He just waves his arms
to indicate how he's going to take on the big corporations.
So that's the situation. Also, Rudy, if you're reading this: My hedge
needs trimming.
Dave Barry, Miami Herald, 01/27/2008
On Tuesday, millions of Florida voters will head for the polls. Being
Floridians, many of them will become confused and drive into buildings,
canals, cemeteries, other Floridians, etc. But some will actually make it
to the polls, where they will cast ballots that will play a crucial role
in the presidential election. Or, in the case of Democrats, not.
It turns out that the 2008 Florida Democratic primary doesn't count.
Florida will be sending the same number of delegates to the 2008
Democratic convention as Uzbekistan.
This may seem unfair, but there's a simple, logical explanation: The whole
primary system is insane. Consider the process so far:
First Iowa held "caucuses," in which Iowans gathered in small groups at
night and engaged in some mysterious Iowan ritual that for all we know
involves having intimate relations with corn. Right after that Wyoming had
a primary, but it was only for Republicans, because Wyoming Democrats
(apparently there are at least two) will hold their primary March 8. Most
of the candidates ignored Wyoming and focused on the New Hampshire
primary, except Rudy Giuliani, who's following a shrewd strategy,
originally developed by the Miami Dolphins, of not entering the race until
he has been mathematically eliminated. After New Hampshire came Michigan,
where the ballot listed all the Republicans, but only certain Democrats,
including Chris Dodd, who had already dropped out if the race, but NOT
including Barack Obama or John Edwards.
After Michigan came the Nevada caucuses, in which Hillary Clinton got more
votes, but Obama got more delegates. (If you don't understand how that
could happen, then you have never been to a casino.) Then came the South
Carolina Republican primary, which of course was not held on the same day
as the South Carolina Democratic primary. Then comes Florida, in which
Republican voters will elect some delegates, although the total will only
be half the number Florida was originally supposed to get.
Meanwhile, Florida Democrats, as I mentioned, will have the same impact on
their party's nomination as if they fed their ballots to ducks.
I am not making any of this up: This is our actual primary system, except
(I hope) the part about the corn. We're selecting candidates for the most
important job in the world via a process that's less rational than the one
used to choose Miss Kumquat of Pasco County.
How did we end up with this ridiculous system? We got it through endless
petty squabbling, in both parties, over the issue of which states get to
go first. That's right:
When confronted with what should be a minor procedural problem, the
leaders of our major political parties can't even work intelligently with
THEIR OWN ALLIES let alone their opponents. This is why, no matter who
wins in November, I am optimistic about the future of the nation. (I'm
referring to Uzbekistan.)
Anyway, for those of you who plan to vote Tuesday, here's a quick overview
of the political situation:
THE REPUBLICAN RACE: It's still wide open. Mitt "Mitt" Romney holds a
slight edge in delegates, plus a heifer he got for winning Wyoming. Right
behind him are John McCain, Chuck Norris and the late Ronald Reagan.
Bringing up the rear is Rudy, who needs a win and has been frantically
courting Florida voters. He's mowing their lawns right now.
THE DEMOCRATIC RACE: It's down to Obama vs. Clinton, and it's getting
nasty. They hate each other, with the kind of passionate hatred that you
see only between two people who hold essentially the same positions on
everything. Edwards is still running, but at this point they don't even
bother to put a microphone on him for the debates. He just waves his arms
to indicate how he's going to take on the big corporations.
So that's the situation. Also, Rudy, if you're reading this: My hedge
needs trimming.
