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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $25.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
There was a sign on the cage that said $25.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
Father...
A young boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The young boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father.."
The young boy replied, "My Daddy doesn"t wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn"t wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The young boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
A young boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The young boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father.."
The young boy replied, "My Daddy doesn"t wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn"t wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The young boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
Cruise Ship
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the f*cking ship?"
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the f*cking ship?"
Two women's thongs meet each other in the laundry and start talking about fashion.
Says the one thong to the other " I really like those mini skirts. Every time we go to the movies I can watch the entire movie.
To which the other thong replies " Are you a lucky one. Every time we go to the movies I end up in the handbag
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Says the one thong to the other " I really like those mini skirts. Every time we go to the movies I can watch the entire movie.
To which the other thong replies " Are you a lucky one. Every time we go to the movies I end up in the handbag
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
“So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”
“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.
He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.”
“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
“So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”
“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.
He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.”
“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”