a few "clean" jokes

[Cyclenirvana]

Ok...now that this forum seems to be moving in a more humorous direction, here are few jokes:

Three little old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tillie were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

 

[Cyclenirvana]

Another one:

Subject: Beaver Hunter

The 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said,"I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went,'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly." :biggrin

 

[Cyclenirvana]

Subject: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know
if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with
us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication.
We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified
in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been
polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the
wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there
is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real
Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and
when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government
took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped
to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see
the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the
"other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other
side."

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long
dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the
death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
chicken?
Could you define chicken, please?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there
was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one? :cheers

 

[Cyclenirvana]

Top Ten Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down
....by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.


And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts. :lol

 

[B O N Y]

jeremy clarkson's obit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpL9a-5LFpI

 

[MAD IN NC]

OK, while I now agree the Forum is opening up- but I have to look at the last two days being..... Bony has sent his best of the "car forum" sites search due to the heat which are great and now cyclenirvana has been cooped up due to the local weather being rain all day..

God forbid a real 100 year disaster hits and we still have internet access!

:cheers

 

[B O N Y]

OK, while I now agree the Forum is opening up- but I have to look at the last two days being..... Bony has sent his best of the "car forum" sites search due to the heat which are great and now cyclenirvana has been cooped up due to the local weather being rain all day..

God forbid a real 100 year disaster hits and we still have internet access!

:cheers

Today I have been looking at girls... so much for the car forums, what do you think of Nicole... such a sweet young thing??.....
http://www.break.com/movies_nsfw/nicolebreak.html

Think she likes cars??

 

[B O N Y]

can't we just get along???
http://media.putfile.com/giliganislandpirfight

 

[B O N Y]

The Purina Diet

I have a Golden Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I Was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina wnuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

 

[B O N Y]

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her
vaginal lips reduced in size because they are loose and flapping. Out of
embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon
agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully
placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to
tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her
wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad
because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized
because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked,

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

 

[B O N Y]

A RUSSIAN AND A REDNECK WRESTLER WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL. BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, THE REDNECK WRESTLER'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN. HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED"; THE REDNECK NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

AS THE MATCH STARTED, THE REDNECK AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING THE REDNECK AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD. A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST. HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE! HAPPEN.

SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AN D THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR. HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND THE REDNECK COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH.

THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE!"

THE WRESTLER ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST
AS HARD AS I COULD."

SO THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF!"

"NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET WHEN YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS.".....